In the middle of the room, a couple places objects that are sacred to them: a singing bowl, a trombone. Two shiny, beautiful instruments, full of potential for beautiful sound. The couple rejoins the circle of chairs and looks around them. A close friend, a cousin and two facilitators have been with them for hours, supporting them through one of the hardest yet most important days of their lives.

Lupe and Manuel, who requested the use of anonymity because of the personal information they shared, were participating in a restorative justice circle, the final stage of their work with The Collective Healing and Transformation (CHAT) Project. Housed in the Family Justice Center in Richmond, California, Lupe and Manuel met with facilitators for months in a series of sessions aimed at healing their family and helping them find a way forward from the pain they’ve endured, both individually and together. The CHAT Project’s restorative justice model served as a beacon of hope, one that gave them the tools they each needed to co-parent effectively while mending their own relationship.

Restorative justice, according to The CHAT Project, is a community-based, non-punitive approach to harm that encourages accountability, healing, and repair. The work emphasizes healing, not punishment, and asks participants what they need in order to move forward. Rooted in Indigenous practices, restorative justice invites in communities and builds and strengthens relationships.

Lupe and Manuel are two of nearly 100 people that The CHAT Project has served in Contra Costa County. The program’s participants are 84 percent people of color and 49 percent Spanish-speaking. All of the services are free.

Lupe reached out to The CHAT Project in fall 2023, after struggling to find a way forward in her relationship with Manuel. The two share a young son, and they’d practically grown up as a couple. Lupe and Manuel met in their early 20s, working at the same restaurant in San Francisco. They didn’t typically work the same shifts, but one day, Lupe covered for a coworker. That night, she met Manuel and was instantly captivated by his smile. She wanted to get to know him, and they took a walk around Bernal Heights. They bonded immediately and, two years later, their son was born. The problems in their relationship started soon after.

The couple started arguing regularly; sometimes Manuel would leave, sometimes it would be Lupe. Their relationship was in turmoil. And even though Manuel never did anything to make her feel in danger, Lupe was afraid for her son and the environment their relationship was creating.

“I wanted to be that parent, that adult that I wish I had when I was little,” Lupe said. 

Over the next five years, the couple’s relationship fluctuated between the occasional happy period and periods of immense stress. They struggled in family court to determine a custody schedule for their son. Manuel desperately wanted to change his ways and be there for his family, but he was always drawn back to old, unhealthy patterns. Then, in the summer of 2023, things escalated. In a moment the two describe as an “extreme invasion of privacy,” Manuel crossed a line with Lupe, and they both knew it was time to try a different approach.

At first, Lupe felt like an imposter seeking help at the Family Justice Center. She knew that her relationship was unhealthy, but she wasn’t sure she was really to classify her experiences as domestic violence. But after reading about The CHAT Project’s mission to “help families and communities connect with each other and to learn (or relearn) practices for moving through conflict, reducing violence, and strengthening connections,” she was excited to try.

 “I went in with zero expectations,” said Lupe. “I had never heard of restorative justice.”

The first part of working with The CHAT Project is an initial assessment to make sure that both the family and the project are a good fit. The CHAT Project Co-Director Camila Robayo Durán explained that in this first step, she wants participants to think clearly about their goals. After hearing what the program can offer, some potential participants “have the wisdom on their own,” said Robayo Durán, to know it’s not what they’re looking for.

“It’s not a crisis intervention type of service,” said Robayo Durán. “It’s something that you do for your healing and to strengthen relationships.”

Lupe and Manuel agreed that their shared goal was to learn how to coparent effectively; they weren’t necessarily looking to mend their own romantic relationship, but they were open to it. After the initial evaluation, both Lupe and Manuel started on their individual journeys. They worked with therapists and their CHAT Project facilitator, Alejandra Escobedo, to address some of the root causes of the problems in their family. It became clear quickly that they both were being triggered by childhood sexual abuse, something that Manuel had never shared with anyone before.

“The first time that I saw my therapist, it was very, very difficult for the words to flow,” said Manuel. “I was afraid of feeling judged.”

Manuel explained that throughout his relationship with Lupe, she had struggled with his inability to express himself and his feelings. “All my life I was used to, ‘listen and shut up,’” said Manuel. Lupe agreed: “I would communicate when something was upsetting or when he hurt me in any way, and he just shut down.”

But, Manuel said, therapy was starting to give him new tools to address not just his past trauma but his present-day struggles. At the same time, Lupe’s therapy experience was giving her the tools she needed to have more empathy and understanding for Manuel’s incredibly different upbringing. As a couple, they were able to bring these skills together and begin communicating more openly and freely than they ever had, getting to know each other on a deeper level and sympathizing with each other’s experiences.

For Robayo Durán, Lupe and Manuel’s experience with this element of The CHAT Project is a great example of how the court system often stops short of helping families move forward. Lupe and Manuel had been working out some of their childcare logistics in family court, but nothing there was preparing them to ever co-parent effectively again, let alone heal their own relationship.

“What is interesting is that systems tend to label people in a certain way,” Robayo Durán said. But at The CHAT Project, said Robayo Durán, “we don’t label people the survivor, the person causing harm, right away. We try to explore with people what is your role, what was the situation, what was your past life, how did you come to this situation?”

On top of participating in therapy individually, a key element of The CHAT Project’s work is accountability. And in the case of Lupe and Manuel, that meant realizing, for both of them, that Manuel wasn’t the only one who needed to be held accountable, even though it was his actions that brought them to the program.

 ”Something that CHAT did for me was help me realize that I wasn’t just a victim, right, that I also had a part in everything that was happening in my relationship, which is also very hard to do because I definitely went in with a 100 percent victim mentality, and that wasn’t 100 percent accurate,” said Lupe. She began to see that healing her own past traumas could help her show up more fairly and compassionately in her relationship.

Lupe and Manuel met individually with their facilitator for several sessions before deciding they were ready for what The CHAT Project calls a restorative justice circle. Lupe and Manuel were told to clear their schedules for a whole day of a “soup of emotions,” said Lupe.

Joined by people close to them, Lupe and Manuel’s circle was a time to bring all the work they’d been doing individually, together. They shared, listened and cried, learning about themselves and each other. They agreed to ways they would work together moving forward, and by the end of the hours-long session, they knew things had changed. “When we left the circle that day, we left with a clear idea of what we were wanting to continue to work on,” said Lupe.

Communication, Lupe said, was at the top of the list. The CHAT Project facilitators helped them develop tools for communicating more clearly and respectively, and in the months since their restorative justice circle, they’ve cemented these practices into their everyday lives in ways that have completely changed their relationship. They’ve been able to manage their anger and impulsivity better, and they’ve both continued in their personal therapy practices.  ”We work on ourselves to be able to bring the best version of ourselves to the relationship,” said Lupe.

“We have many ways to measure success,” said Robayo Durán, “and our priority, most of all, is safety.” Success looks different for all their participants; for some, taking the first step to ask for help is a success in itself. Not everyone who contacts them is ready for a dialogue with their partners like Lupe and Manuel were, but there are still services The CHAT Project can offer them. “Having a circle is not always the goal, but to be able to provide the support they need to make a change in their life,” Escobedo said.

For Lupe and Manuel, the change was felt immediately. They’ve surpassed their goals, and in addition to finding healthy ways to co-parent, they’ve also restored their own romantic relationship. They’re living together, rebuilding relationships with their families, and using the tools they gained through the program every day. 

“I  honestly do feel like we wouldn’t be where we are as a family without having received that resource when we did,” Lupe said.

Domestic Violence Support:

To find your nearest family justice center, visit https://www.familyjusticecenter.org/affiliated-centers/family-justice-centers/.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, you can also contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support and referrals, or text “START” to 88788. Information on local domestic violence programs can be found using this online tool.

For Native Americans and Alaska Natives, the StrongHearts Native Helpline at 1-844-7NATIVE (762-8483) provides 24/7 confidential and culturally appropriate support and advocacy for survivors of domestic and sexual violence. A chat option is available through their website.