This is the first in a series of essays about restorative justice in which participants share what they wish others knew and what has helped them heal.

“I understand, take your time.” 

That was a text I sent to my ex-husband, as part of my family’s healing process through a restorative justice program in Los Angeles.

If anyone had said when I escaped the abusive relationship that I would one day have a respectful conversation with my ex, I would have been shocked. This was the father of my son, the man I once gave vows of love to. But he was also the man who stole my savings, my vehicle and left me homeless with a baby and bruised-up body. 

I went from fear to anger to disgust to hate and — though there were days with glimpses of hope in my heart — there was mostly mourning. I had to mourn that my son would never live in a home with his mother and father. Mourn that the eternal vows given to me were full of deception. Mourn that the man I met never truly existed and that all my dreams would be delayed or erased. My bruises went from violet to royal blue to a shade of light red as my heart learned acceptance. With so much pain then, how did I get to the moment of sending that text? It was a decade-long journey but one, in the end, I am glad I took because of where I am now. 

When I became a single mom, I learned early on that support groups would be the ointment to my soul. I tried a few but Celebrate Recovery, a faith-based program at Oasis LA in Los Angeles was the one that spoke to my spirit on my darkest days. I was in therapy but listening to stories similar to mine in the Celebrate Recovery group made me feel less alone in the wilderness. After months of attending, when my ex reached out, I asked if he would attend on his own but after a few meetings he went back to his usual ways. 

I continued my restorative justice journey and learned slowly to create boundaries through therapy and my Celebrate Recovery mentor. A year into the process I learned, whenever my ex got aggressive, to say, “We’ll continue this conversation when your tone changes.” I learned to block his calls if I felt I needed time. I learned to be OK when he disappeared for months, because this was my walk on my terms.

I made a decision that I was not going to raise my son with hatred. I was going to show him grace in an empowering way. For brokenness was what led me to attract a broken soul and what led my ex to have such anger at life. It became my goal to bring about restoration. I knew my son would want to know who his birth father was, and his story. As my healing journey was on its way, my son’s began. By then, he was in elementary school and his curiosity had grown to questions. I had done enough work with our therapists over the years to know how to address these in a healthy way. Yet, as much as I was honest for his age about my journey, he was now asking for answers that only his birth father had.

My ex had fallen into homelessness due to addiction, and I had no idea where he was. I spent a couple of years reaching out to all the past emails and social media I could locate. I asked his mother to connect us, but as he was not ready to face us, he avoided me. I was now employed by Los Angeles County, working in homeless services, in hopes to improve them. I had my own vehicle again. I could provide for my son, and though we were still living doubled up in my parents’ living room, we were happy. 

At the same time my ex was in a horrible situation. I was suddenly tested as to whether I would continue the restoration journey with my son or instead celebrate my ex’s downfall. I chose forgiveness. I cry as I write this because its just a word, but what a path to arrive there. It is a walk for the brave, for you have to learn to let go, and for me, to let God. To give kindness and understanding. 

Eventually, my ex responded to my messages. I always made sure to re-read them before sending to make sure they were respectful, so he learned to reply back the same way. Simple words with grace. After a year of messaging we planned for us all to meet. By then I had met a good man and was engaged, but not once did my fiancé discourage me. On the contrary, he would often take me on rides around town at sunset to mentally decompress. It was my now husband who drove us to our first meeting and even bought my ex lunch. My son chose his favorite Denny’s selections, so it was an abundant meal.  Luke had a Dad now who was also showing him a walk toward restoration.

It took my ex an hour to show up as he walked around the block nervously. He hadn’t seen us in years and there was a sense of shame. So there I was making sure he knew we understood and could wait until he was ready. But seeing my son’s curious eyes as he tried to absorb my ex’s facial features and hearing his innocent voice ask questions like, “Are you OK out here? Are you safe?” made my heart feel like the last stitch was removed. My son hugged him with no judgement. They will never have a relationship, but both periodically check on each other and exchange gifts. Most importantly, my son’s questions were answered by the person who needed to be held accountable. My heart is now unburdened.

If I could give you a last message, it would be to choose restorative justice as part of your healing journey when possible. I will always carry a scar in my soul, but it no longer bleeds. I don’t face questions from my son that I am unable to answer . It took nearly a decade, but making sure both my son’s and my heart were ready was the best decision. Do it on your terms, and make sure you are walking toward it at every step. Rushing the journey may lead to delayed justice, but not making progress will as well. To see the person who once caused you unimaginable pain being held accountable is a catharsis. An empowering energy surrounds you with comfort. I will leave you with a quote I carry in my heart from Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. “True peace is not merely the absence of tension; it is the presence of justice.”

Yenni Rivera is a domestic violence survivor, family system coordinator for the Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority and a community advocate working to improve California’s homelessness, domestic violence and early education systems.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support and referrals, or text “START” to 88788.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers support, education and advocacy specifically for teenagers and young adults ages 13 through 26. Young people with questions or concerns about their romantic relationships, concerned friends or family members, teachers, counselors and other service providers can reach out through the website www.loveisrespect.org , via phone at 1-866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522.